I thought I had spent sufficient time contemplating and preparing this change in lifestyle, this moving from land to the Caribbean water paradise.
I thought I was a loner. I thought I liked solitude.
I thought I loved adventure and mystery.
I thought I was ready to do something other than work (job).
I think I was very wrong.
This move is killing me emotionally. I do not know why. I have spent the last few days laying around and crying. I am so lost and lonely. I have a great boat, I am in a great place, I am so miserable I almost cannot stand it. I am almost out of tears.
I want to go home. I want to be with my Mom, family, and friends that love me in spite of who I am. The ones that sometimes drive me crazy. They all tried to tell me, I was too smart to listen. I am so stupid. I am so sorry.
I miss my wife terribly – since the day she left. I feel it every day. These days I feel it even more.
I miss my children. Did I think I would miss them less if I were here? Did I think I would see them more often if I were here?
I miss my Buddy. He was a great friend. He is in a new and excellent home now and it is comforting to know that he is happy. I miss him terribly.
Maybe spending the last couple of months with my Mom and family messed up my plan and showed me how much I enjoy them and want to be near them. I don’t know.
I do know that thinking one knows where to find happiness and scheming how to get there and achieve it is futile. I have wasted lots of time, energy, and resources. All I could think about was leaving, now all I can think about is returning. What will I think of if I return? Will I yearn to go again? Only to be wrong and yearn to return again? When does this end? How does it end? What does it take to learn this lesson? How many times must I re-learn this??
I don’t know who I am and apparently do not know what I want.
Life is not fun.