I thought I had spent sufficient time contemplating and preparing this change in lifestyle, this moving from land to the Caribbean water paradise.
I thought I was a loner. I thought I liked solitude.
I thought I loved adventure and mystery.
I thought I was ready to do something other than work (job).
I think I was very wrong.
This move is killing me emotionally. I do not know why. I have spent the last few days laying around and crying. I am so lost and lonely. I have a great boat, I am in a great place, I am so miserable I almost cannot stand it. I am almost out of tears.
I want to go home. I want to be with my Mom, family, and friends that love me in spite of who I am. The ones that sometimes drive me crazy. They all tried to tell me, I was too smart to listen. I am so stupid. I am so sorry.
I miss my wife terribly – since the day she left. I feel it every day. These days I feel it even more.
I miss my children. Did I think I would miss them less if I were here? Did I think I would see them more often if I were here?
I miss my Buddy. He was a great friend. He is in a new and excellent home now and it is comforting to know that he is happy. I miss him terribly.
Maybe spending the last couple of months with my Mom and family messed up my plan and showed me how much I enjoy them and want to be near them. I don’t know.
I do know that thinking one knows where to find happiness and scheming how to get there and achieve it is futile. I have wasted lots of time, energy, and resources. All I could think about was leaving, now all I can think about is returning. What will I think of if I return? Will I yearn to go again? Only to be wrong and yearn to return again? When does this end? How does it end? What does it take to learn this lesson? How many times must I re-learn this??
I don’t know who I am and apparently do not know what I want.
Life is not fun.
Prayers please.
Jon I’m crying as I read this. I love you so much and have been praying for you since Crystal called to say, pray. We would love for you to come home. Will keep praying as you and God search for the answers.
Jon… My heart aches for you! I don’t know what to say… except you’ll be constantly in my prayers. It may take some time to adjust to the change. If that doesn’t work… put the same time, effort, and planning it took to get ‘there’ to return to the States. There’s not one person who hasn’t experienced what you’re feeling as a result of a regretfully made decision. Often the emotional impact can’t be realized until the completion of the ‘sounding so good’ venture. So… hang in there… Love you deeply… Jon
Dear brother, I believe with all my heart that real joy can only be found when we put ourselves aside and serve something else. Perhaps this is why we all look back on our child-rearing years with such nostalgia ~ even though sometimes they were the most challenging years of our lives! Others look back on their “working” years with fondness ~ or a time when they worked on a hard project / or gave sacrificially for someone else.
Perhaps this is why being here in Missouri brought you some happiness in retrospect ~ even though at times during the last few months I am sure there were frustrations and challenges. But you were serving mom in a very special way, bringing happiness to her in a way that only you can do! You also brought happiness to me and to our church every time we were together for one reason or another. The interactions were special to me and to others as well.
Whatever you decide ~ we are with you and will help you through it. Come home for awhile – even if God leads you to another adventure elsewhere or serve abroad – it will be an adventure for all of us! Never any regrets for an adventure along our journey ~ each road traveled brings new insight and wisdom.
~with love & prayers,
You don’t know me, I’m just an anonymous reader, but I can feel your pain. Change is hard, I care for an aging parent, work long hours and dream of escape, (that’s how I found your blog!). You have to make your own decision, but my advice would be to take time to just be, almost like you are on a vacation, don’t think in terms of forever, don’t think about last year or next, just today and what needs to be done today. If it is homesickness, it will pass, if you truly want to go back, you can, you are in control. You are living the adage that you can have any one thing you want, just not everything. This might not be the one thing, but that’s OK, and you will be alright. The people who loved you before you left still love you. Try to focus on at least one positive thing, sunlight on the water, the way your t shirt feels, the taste of a favorite food and know this is not forever, planes leave everyday. You can sail to the US and become the family vacation spot, you can sell the boat, you can undo this. Wishing you the best.
My dearest brother,
This is all my fault, I’m selfish and wanted you here with me. I wrote you that sappy letter and now you miss me.
I am praying for you. When we had lunch together, I became excited for you. This is an adventure and with all adventures there is good and bad. The bad sometimes helped us to enjoy the good.
I remember when my husband went to Paris, he had to go a day ahead of me. Our flights where different. He planned to get there and scope it all out, hotel and money exchange and then come back for me at the airport and show me the city.
He called me after he finally found the hotel and was so upset he said, you are on your own tomorrow, I hate this place, I’m not coming to pick you up.
He had trouble every step of the way, he couldn’t speak the language, he had trouble finding the hotel (was looking for an American hotel that was big and on the corner of a parking lot, not a single sign on a door). Had trouble with his room. Disaster!
I told him to take a nap, go out to dinner and take a bus tour of the city.
He did and the next day he had confidence of knowing the city and couldn’t wait to show us around. One of our best trips ever.
Why, Amanda, are you telling me this? Well, you need to get your bearings. This is a new place and it takes time to feel at home somewhere new. I’m not negating your feeling, you might be sad and lonely, but how are you going to react to it? Chill out! Relax! Take in a new sight. Take it slow!
If you give it a chance and you still hate it, you can always come live with me. You always have a home here. (I mean it! We have room, and would love to have you.)
You are a man of God, Jon. What is He whispering to you? If it is give this a chance, listen, if it pack up and run. Do it! If your not sure, just pray. I truly think, He sometimes doesn’t care where we live as long as we are His. There really is no right answer in this unless He tells you clearly–it’s our gift of freedom He gives to us.
I’m so proud I you sharing this with us and letting us love on you. I’m praying for you daily right now as all of this new and I miss you. Now I know how to pray better. I love you!!
You can do anything, I believe in you, just choose what it is and you’ll do great!
Love little sis,
Is it coincidence or just pure luck that im staying up all night on the 10th to 11th crying wondering who I am and what im doing with my life, where im going and why I’ve done the things I’ve done. It’s been a long time sence I cried. I know you have been told and heard so many people tell you random words of encouragement and there thoughts on you coming back to the states so i dont want to beat a dead horse….. but i will anyway. 😉
I wish I got to travel more, to see things most people only see in movies or books. I want to smell the air, feel the environment, and talk to people from all over the world. I think it takes alot of guts to pack up and start a new life somewhere you have never been before. But im also different then most people. they have consistently said in your blog and im sure emails that here in the states is home and hinted at you returning… I disagree. I have always found home to be right where I am at that moment in life. I feel at home looking out my car window driving somewhere ive never been before. But also no matter how much I travel or keep driving when i get somewhere I suffer. Because we are human and we strive for a connection and everytime we pack up we are starting over…It sucks! Terribly so! But in the end, and I know it sounds cliche so hear me out, It will be worth it. wether good or bad, enjoy the environment. make the most out of everyday! fish, swim, meet beautiful woman, sail, eat everything, and touch everything. always wake up no matter how you feel and say what can I see today.
I am envious of what you are doing, but those are my thoughts and feelings. You need to get your own! All I can say is struggle, persevere, enjoy, and don’t hold back and never quit your goals and life. if it’s not something you like then why do it, it’s your life and happiness is it not?
If you choose to come home we all look forward to seeing you again and dont think you are getting your jeep back!
But if you choose to stay then suck it up and make something worth remembering forever! enjoy the struggle, take more pictures, send more messages, talk to more natives and I can’t wait to meet your friends and see what you see when I come over!
I Love You Very Much Dad!!!
-son the second
My dearest brother,
This is all my fault, I’m selfish and wanted you here with me. I wrote you that sappy letter and now you miss me.
I am praying for you. When we had lunch together, I became excited for you. This is an adventure and with all adventures there is good and bad. The bad sometimes helped us to enjoy the good.
I remember when my husband went to Paris, he had to go a day ahead of me. Our flights where different. He planned to get there and scope it all out, hotel and money exchange and then come back for me at the airport and show me the city.
He called me after he finally found the hotel and was so upset he said, you are on your own tomorrow, I hate this place, I’m not coming to pick you up.
He had trouble every step of the way, he couldn’t speak the language, he had trouble finding the hotel (was looking for an American hotel that was big and on the corner of a parking lot, not a single sign on a door). Had trouble with his room. Disaster!
I told him to take a nap, go out to dinner and take a bus tour of the city.
He did and the next day he had confidence of knowing the city and couldn’t wait to show us around. One of our best trips ever.
Why, Amanda, are you telling me this? Well, you need to get your bearings. This is a new place and it takes time to feel at home somewhere new. I’m not negating your feeling, you might be sad and lonely, but how are you going to react to it? Chill out! Relax! Take in a new sight. Take it slow!
If you give it a chance and you still hate it, you can always come live with me. You always have a home here. (I mean it! We have room, and would love to have you.)
You are a man of God, Jon. What is He whispering to you? If it is give this a chance, listen, if it pack up and run. Do it! If your not sure, just pray. I truly think, He sometimes doesn’t care where we live as long as we are His. There really is no right answer in this unless He tells you clearly–it’s our gift of freedom He gives to us.
I’m so proud I you sharing this with us and letting us love on you. I’m praying for you daily right now as all of this new and I miss you. Now I know how to pray better. I love you!!
You can do anything, I believe in you, just choose what it is and you’ll do great!
Love little sis,
I am in awe, Jon, that you have been willing to be so honest and vulnerable. It is a gift to all of us that love you. I am moved by you, too, Cameron. Thank you for the glimpse into your thoughts and heart.
Tina, I pray that you will get a special adventure this year! You picked a good blog to follow ~ because Jon’s adventures continue as he journeys through this and whatever lies ahead!
Godspeed!
Thank you Crystal. I wish happiness, blessings and great adventures to you and yours as well.
Thank you EVERYONE for all of the support, prayers, and positivity! I am here and reading all these comments and they are getting me thru each day – I so much appreciate every one of you!!
Right now my brain is not working well enough to respond intelligently to any of this so I won’t try. But THANK YOU!!
I’m am working to return home as soon as possible.
Jon,
You may not be that wrong. I don’t know you well but would agree you like solitude, adventure and mystery. Even those of us who like to be alone need relationship. God created us for relationship with Him and others. I’ve questioned the wisdom on the others parts at times, but it is what it is. There’s no getting around the fact that life hasn’t gone the way you wanted. The rug got pulled out from underneath you. All those dreams for the future gone. It’s perfectly ok to struggle. It’s natural to feel like you do. In fact it’s probably healthy. It’s a whole different problem if you didn’t. I think you also know that we love you. That’s a foundation you can count on. If you need a place, we’ve got a room. Though Tuscola isn’t too adventurous. God’s not going anywhere. Neither are we. Who are you? You are Jon Finley. You are Father, son, brother, child of God. Keep wrestling. Hold on to hope. You got this!
I don’t know you well enough to say anything other than I hope you find peace.