Just Listen

There is a must-read post over at FatCyclist (actually, most of them are must-reads!) – it is titled My Cancer Story: Guest Post by Jenni Laurita.

This quote from Jenni was one of several that really hit home with me:

“If I could impart anything to the world through this forum it’s this: ask how the person is doing, offer help and support (from the mundane to the elaborate if you’re so inclined), and then zip it.”

This simple statement has spurred this post.  I absolutely agree with Jenni and want to dwell on it a bit more.

I believe that people are genuinely concerned and want to help. However; it seems that few know how. It almost seems that they want to prove that they understand your pain be telling a story. Sometimes the story just shares their familiarity, sometimes it is supposed to provide some hope. Sometimes, I have no idea what the purpose is. What I do know is that when someone asks me a question about my situation and then goes on a story-telling spree, it hurts.  Understood or not, this simple act says “I don’t actually care about you and I need to turn the focus back to me so I’m going to talk for awhile”.  It leaves me, at least, with a very empty, ‘cannot get out of this conversation fast enough’ kind of feeling.

I will admit that there is nothing wrong with a story presented at the right time and in the right way.  The right time/way is not typical which goes something like the following. Hint: It is rarely a fifth person type of story.

Dude A: “Hi Dude B, I heard about X, how are you doing?”

Dude B: “It’s really tough, I’m having a hard time….”

Dude A: “My uncles third wife’s dog’s brother once went thru that. He was blah-blah-blah…..”

FAIL!

Dude B just needs to give Dude A some support.  A hug. An offer to go to lunch. An offer to help in some way. To LISTEN.

In most cases, no friend can do anything to solve the problem.  Hear that?  Read it again.

We are in control of very little – basically, how we respond to situations – our attitudes and behavior. Everything else is out of our control.  So, it does no good to start brainstorming ideas with the person – have your tried this or that, did you read about x or y??  Yes, of course we have.  If you care, just LISTEN. Let me talk about my pain. Support me.