Change

Finally, a change of scenery, a bit of adventure…

I have departed for my boat.  Her and I will be companions for the foreseeable future.

Is the house sold? No. Will it ever sell?  Who knows.  What I do know is that I have spent the last two years waiting and hurting. Every day is painful as I see my family if every nook and cranny of my home.  Every time I pull out a dish I remember using it with the family for a church potluck or seeing it sitting with us at Christmas dinner. Every time I walk down the hall I see the boys wrestling with each other. Every time I get into bed I see my wife laying there and cuddling with her. Every time I open a drawer I remember what it was that my wife had stored there. Every time the doorbell rings I hear the dog bark. They are all gone and these are painful memories.  I should not say that – the memories are wonderful. I cherish my years with them.  Constantly hearing and seeing my loved ones is taxing, it is painful.  I do not want to forget – nor do not want the constant barrage of memories.

I’ve waited as long as my mind can stand. I’ve tried to listen and heed the words of the counselors and friends that have urged me to take things slowly, to not leap just to be moving. Interestingly, during this time, one of the things that I have learned is how annoyed I am by society, by life. I am talking about the day to day things that we have to deal with that feel so futile, frustrating, and nonsensical. I now yearn for a simple life.  I know, that is easy to say when you are sitting in the lap of luxury.  Will that yearning continue once I ‘get there’ – we’ll see.  I have considered that many of these ‘annoyances’ are only annoying because my mind is elsewhere.  A few years ago, I did not think I could be any happier or in a better place.

It is a very odd shift. As I’ve said previously, everything about me has been to provide for my family.  That mission is over and my mind is grinding gears. I need to get it to slip into another gear. I don’t know what gear that will be – where it will lead. I have a goal to live the simple life on my boat but that is not the final destination, it is just the next step.

Now is the time to start building a new life, new memories, new adventures.